In a war like the one I’m in, it seems like you are constantly fighting yourself. For about the last three months I have been putting a lot of my energy into things that are the exact opposite of who I am. If you asked me why I did it, I would have to honestly tell you, that at the time I didn’t know the reason. All there was to me was my pain, my numbness, my shame, and the darkness’s whispers. I began on a path that helped “in the moment” but also led me to a place where I hated myself more and more, where my mind was more confused, and I felt more alone than ever before.
It’s ironic because through everything I have been through I always thought that I couldn’t feel any lonelier, sadder, or shameful than what I had felt then. Every time the devil proves me wrong. He stretches the limits of my sanity. He stretches me until one by one my fingers let go of the ledge. Each thing he convinces me will make me happy fails to do so, and as it does, what I am holding on to so tightly is slippery and I lose grip. I get more lost. My mind, body, and soul hurt more. To the point that I just want to rest. I’m tired. And I wonder if the pain will end and a life of beauty will ever begin.
Looking back at my choices, I realize that the reason why it was so easy to give in to these things was because I didn’t know why I was so tempted by them. I couldn’t see the reason for me wanting to do these things. My sight was blurry and the only thing that came in clear was the path to this place. It was like I never saw where the path led to, just that one clear step in front of me. Seeing that one clear spot was enough for me in that moment, and I never second guessed if it was the right path. And step by step I was led to a place where I lost myself.
From where I sit now, I understand completely why I did those things. There are so many reasons. One is because none of those things were “me”. I hated “me”. “Me” was disgusting, shameful and dirty. But everyone around me told me otherwise. They told me I was pure and beautiful. So I set out to prove them wrong. Why would I do such a thing? Why wouldn’t I just follow the path that those people were leading me on? Because that path was hard. The people who saw me as pure and beautiful could see the way ever so clearly, but that way I was walking blind. If I took the other path, the path that I could at least see my steps, it was easier. And I didn’t have much strength left in me to walk by faith. So constantly instead of fighting uphill towards the light that others could see that I just needed to have faith was there, I took the easy way out. Over and over the easy way out. But this easy way out only led deeper. Deeper to a place that wasn’t me.
NOW that I am at a point where I have turned around and am heading the right way, I couldn’t see why my friend didn’t hate me. I kept these things from her for so long, that I didn’t understand how she couldn’t see what I saw in me. I was ashamed. I felt like the darkness I had followed had left traces of itself all over my body. I was scared that she would see these choices, these traces, as something that was defining who I was because I thought she saw what I saw – that I was all covered in black.
So the past couple days I sat in wonder at why she still wanted to be my best friend and why she wanted me as her best friend. Why would someone pick someone with all this dark spots as their best friend? Why would she not feel uncomfortable around me because of what I had done?
But as I look at myself in the mirror I finally see what she sees. am not this dirty, shameful, ruined person like the darkness has been trying to convince me that I am. Yes, I do have these dark spots. But they are ON me not IN me. She knows that the things I have done are not WHO I am, they are just mistakes. The things I have done weren’t done because I was trying to discover some truth about myself. They were done because I wanted a quick bandage for my pain. I wanted this hurt to be over. So I followed those deadly whispers to a place that I wasn’t even looking for. That’s the big difference. It wasn’t something I was LOOKING for; it was something I was LEAD to by the darkness.
But as I look at myself in the mirror I finally see what she sees. am not this dirty, shameful, ruined person like the darkness has been trying to convince me that I am. Yes, I do have these dark spots. But they are ON me not IN me. She knows that the things I have done are not WHO I am, they are just mistakes. The things I have done weren’t done because I was trying to discover some truth about myself. They were done because I wanted a quick bandage for my pain. I wanted this hurt to be over. So I followed those deadly whispers to a place that I wasn’t even looking for. That’s the big difference. It wasn’t something I was LOOKING for; it was something I was LEAD to by the darkness.
Is this what she sees? Does she see the bright light in me? Is she one of those people who can see the light even though I am blind to it? Yes. I know she is. She is my sister in Christ. IN CHRIST. Christ shines through her to bring me to Him. He is the only way.
She asked me today that if I had already given up why she shouldn’t give up on me. She didn’t say this as a signal that she was giving up on me, but instead as a challenge. I thank God that she asked me this because it led me to this conclusion I just shared with you.
Also today I found out that my sister had lost her baby. I was in a store with this friend and a couple others. I broke down. My friend said that I reacted in such a way that she thought someone I was really close to like my mom or my sister had died. Someone else in my position wouldn’t have reacted as strongly as I did. I sat back after and wondered why it had hurt so much. Why had the loss of my sister’s unborn baby impacted me so deeply?
I remembered when her first daughter was born. That little baby, that little girl gave me so much hope. This little child was blameless and untouched by this hurtful world. I loved this baby so much because of this. Because this baby was my family. The only member of my family that hadn’t hurt me or wasn’t broken like I was. I felt stronger knowing this baby was in my life. It gave me hope for the future. Because I wanted to show this baby the future. I wanted to love this baby. I wanted to be to this baby what I wished my family was to me.
I remembered when her first daughter was born. That little baby, that little girl gave me so much hope. This little child was blameless and untouched by this hurtful world. I loved this baby so much because of this. Because this baby was my family. The only member of my family that hadn’t hurt me or wasn’t broken like I was. I felt stronger knowing this baby was in my life. It gave me hope for the future. Because I wanted to show this baby the future. I wanted to love this baby. I wanted to be to this baby what I wished my family was to me.
So when my sister was pregnant again, I thanked God for this additional hope and family. I felt as if things must be getting better. When I learned of this loss, I was so hurt because I hadn’t met that baby, but I loved it more than myself already. The same way I had loved my first niece. My niece, in a way, had helped teach me the real meaning of love when the definition of it was distorted by how I was raised.
But I realize now that losing the baby won’t change how I love it. Life just goes down that path sometimes.
So… after all of this… I am tired. I am hurting. Please pray for me. And if you can, please share with me hope and love in any way you can. I could really use some.
So… after all of this… I am tired. I am hurting. Please pray for me. And if you can, please share with me hope and love in any way you can. I could really use some.
