I guess.

I hate you.
Do you hear that?
I hate you.
You take advantage of my weaknesses, using my instability.
You use me to cover for your own failures, coating your faults with my fears.
You duck behind me so you don’t have to face the biggest small part of you.
There are things you take pride in, but those are the parts of you that people hate.
You destroy, that’s your mission. Take is all you do, until we all grow accustomed.
And just give in.

You are dirty.
I look at you and cringe.
What you see as beauty, I close my eyes to for cover.
I look at you and feel sick. I look at you and die.
But your actions are worse, who you are stains.
You ruin. You ruin. You ruin.

You should have left more traces.
Of yourself on me.
You left only just enough for you to still be free.
All you destroyed appears invisible, but I know it all too well.
I daily wish for proof, so I can show everyone that I live in hell.

You destroy, there’s nothing else you know.
But now all this hatred I feel, just reminds me of you.
And I’m not. I’m not you.
So I guess I must forgive.
You don’t apologize, but I will still give in.
I wish you well, but I still wish you hell.
That’s the best I can do.

Whispers in the dark

In a war like the one I’m in, it seems like you are constantly fighting yourself. For about the last three months I have been putting a lot of my energy into things that are the exact opposite of who I am. If you asked me why I did it, I would have to honestly tell you, that at the time I didn’t know the reason. All there was to me was my pain, my numbness, my shame, and the darkness’s whispers. I began on a path that helped “in the moment” but also led me to a place where I hated myself more and more, where my mind was more confused, and I felt more alone than ever before.

It’s ironic because through everything I have been through I always thought that I couldn’t feel any lonelier, sadder, or shameful than what I had felt then. Every time the devil proves me wrong. He stretches the limits of my sanity. He stretches me until one by one my fingers let go of the ledge. Each thing he convinces me will make me happy fails to do so, and as it does, what I am holding on to so tightly is slippery and I lose grip. I get more lost. My mind, body, and soul hurt more. To the point that I just want to rest. I’m tired. And I wonder if the pain will end and a life of beauty will ever begin.

Looking back at my choices, I realize that the reason why it was so easy to give in to these things was because I didn’t know why I was so tempted by them. I couldn’t see the reason for me wanting to do these things. My sight was blurry and the only thing that came in clear was the path to this place. It was like I never saw where the path led to, just that one clear step in front of me. Seeing that one clear spot was enough for me in that moment, and I never second guessed if it was the right path. And step by step I was led to a place where I lost myself.

From where I sit now, I understand completely why I did those things. There are so many reasons. One is because none of those things were “me”. I hated “me”. “Me” was disgusting, shameful and dirty. But everyone around me told me otherwise. They told me I was pure and beautiful. So I set out to prove them wrong. Why would I do such a thing? Why wouldn’t I just follow the path that those people were leading me on? Because that path was hard. The people who saw me as pure and beautiful could see the way ever so clearly, but that way I was walking blind. If I took the other path, the path that I could at least see my steps, it was easier. And I didn’t have much strength left in me to walk by faith. So constantly instead of fighting uphill towards the light that others could see that I just needed to have faith was there, I took the easy way out. Over and over the easy way out. But this easy way out only led deeper. Deeper to a place that wasn’t me.

NOW that I am at a point where I have turned around and am heading the right way, I couldn’t see why my friend didn’t hate me. I kept these things from her for so long, that I didn’t understand how she couldn’t see what I saw in me. I was ashamed. I felt like the darkness I had followed had left traces of itself all over my body. I was scared that she would see these choices, these traces, as something that was defining who I was because I thought she saw what I saw – that I was all covered in black.

So the past couple days I sat in wonder at why she still wanted to be my best friend and why she wanted me as her best friend. Why would someone pick someone with all this dark spots as their best friend? Why would she not feel uncomfortable around me because of what I had done?

But as I look at myself in the mirror I finally see what she sees. am not this dirty, shameful, ruined person like the darkness has been trying to convince me that I am. Yes, I do have these dark spots. But they are ON me not IN me. She knows that the things I have done are not WHO I am, they are just mistakes. The things I have done weren’t done because I was trying to discover some truth about myself. They were done because I wanted a quick bandage for my pain. I wanted this hurt to be over. So I followed those deadly whispers to a place that I wasn’t even looking for. That’s the big difference. It wasn’t something I was LOOKING for; it was something I was LEAD to by the darkness.

Is this what she sees? Does she see the bright light in me? Is she one of those people who can see the light even though I am blind to it? Yes. I know she is. She is my sister in Christ. IN CHRIST. Christ shines through her to bring me to Him. He is the only way.

She asked me today that if I had already given up why she shouldn’t give up on me. She didn’t say this as a signal that she was giving up on me, but instead as a challenge. I thank God that she asked me this because it led me to this conclusion I just shared with you.

Also today I found out that my sister had lost her baby. I was in a store with this friend and a couple others. I broke down. My friend said that I reacted in such a way that she thought someone I was really close to like my mom or my sister had died. Someone else in my position wouldn’t have reacted as strongly as I did. I sat back after and wondered why it had hurt so much. Why had the loss of my sister’s unborn baby impacted me so deeply?

I remembered when her first daughter was born. That little baby, that little girl gave me so much hope. This little child was blameless and untouched by this hurtful world. I loved this baby so much because of this. Because this baby was my family. The only member of my family that hadn’t hurt me or wasn’t broken like I was. I felt stronger knowing this baby was in my life. It gave me hope for the future. Because I wanted to show this baby the future. I wanted to love this baby. I wanted to be to this baby what I wished my family was to me.

So when my sister was pregnant again, I thanked God for this additional hope and family. I felt as if things must be getting better. When I learned of this loss, I was so hurt because I hadn’t met that baby, but I loved it more than myself already. The same way I had loved my first niece. My niece, in a way, had helped teach me the real meaning of love when the definition of it was distorted by how I was raised.

But I realize now that losing the baby won’t change how I love it. Life just goes down that path sometimes.

So… after all of this… I am tired. I am hurting. Please pray for me. And if you can, please share with me hope and love in any way you can. I could really use some.

You're Not Alone.

Hi. As you can probably tell by my other posts, I am a victim of sexual assault. I started this blog to get out my feelings that surround the abuse. I already see a counselor and have told many of my friends, but this blog helps me empty the pain that builds inside of me. Getting out your feelings this way I have learned is a healthy thing - as long as you have told someone what happened to you. Whatever you do, don't hide. Tell someone you trust. Let someone help you. If you don't trust anyone, tell a friend or a counselor at school. If you still can't find anyone, send me a message on here. I know how bad the pain hurts, and I know how constant it is.

There are a couple things that I want to share -

1. It's not your fault. There is nothing you did to "entice" them.

2. You are not alone. There are many people who can help.

3. You are not too far gone or worthless. There is hope. Even if you can't see it, there is.

4. You are not dirty. You are beautiful and pure.

5. God Loves you. God didn't cause this to happen. He offers us free will. And through this free will others do evil things. What God can do is offer you hope, peace, help, strength, courage, and to make you new.


If you ever feel lost, please seek help. This video and the information below is from the RAINN (Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network) who offer online counseling and a 24 hour helpline. Don't refrain from calling the helpline if you need to talk.

Also, those of you who know someone who is a victim - Help them become a survivor!!! Also, help the RAINN in their mission.




About the National Sexual Assault Online Hotline
The Online Hotline provides live, secure, anonymous crisis support for victims of sexual assault, their friends, and families over RAINN's website. The Online Hotline is free of charge and is available 12 hours per day, Monday-Friday, and Saturdays and Sundays from 10am-2pm.

How It Works
Using a secure and anonymous instant-messaging type format, the Online Hotline allows sexual assault victims to communicate directly with trained crisis support volunteers.

All trained volunteers have successfully completed state-mandated training and have extensive training in providing online support. Online Hotline supervisors continually monitor sessions for quality control.

In addition, the Online Hotline website provides a library of information about recovery, medical issues, the criminal justice process, local resources, and support for family and friends of victims.


Uniquely Designed to Ensure Privacy
Privacy and confidentiality are of the utmost importance. We worked with our technology partners to build an innovative communications infrastructure from the ground up that integrates security and anonymity at every level.

The Online Hotline's custom built application does not capture the IP address of users, so sessions can't be traced back to them. And, transcripts of sessions are never stored, so there is no accessible information to cause further harm.

The website also provides detailed instructions for all users on how to clear private data from their computers after visiting our site.

How You Can Help

Join the 24/7 Campaign.

Help us to provide support to even more people by joining the 24/7 Campaign and enable the Online Hotline to operate 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

Be an Online Hotline Volunteer.

Help us provide live crisis support through the Online Hotline by becoming a trained volunteer.

Become an Online Hotline Partner Crisis Center.

We encourage all local crisis centers to participate in this groundbreaking service and help us reach more of those in need.


“I did the online hotline and it was so good to get my questions answered and know recovery is possible. I was really having a hard time with what happened to me, and I am still unable to verbalize it...They helped alot. I'm starting the road to recovery.— Anonymous Hotline User”

Unanswered Questions.

What was so appealing about me?
What did I do to draw you in?
What did you think when you saw my tears?
How could you ignore my screams?

How much more of my life do I not remember?
How many times did it happen?
How did you live day by day?
Who did you have to lie to?

Who took advantage of you like you did me?
Who found out about you?
Who made you feel guilty the most: your family, friends, or me?
When did you decide to start this?

When, if ever, did you think it was wrong?
When did you convince yourself it was right?
When did you decide to stop this?
Where did it happen the most?

Where did you have to hide?
Where else did you go to make yourself feel better?
Where did you finally realize it had to end?
Why did you take so much away from me?

Why did you take your pain out on me?
Why didn’t you see you should have been protecting me?
Why can’t you remember it now?


What am I suppose to do now?
How do I hug you tomorrow?
Who will get you to confess?
When will all this pain go away?
Where can I find the answers to these questions?
Why couldn’t this have never happened?

Lyrics in Pictures.

Superchick - Beauty From Pain.

But I'm Not

I thought I was all better.

But I'm not.





Make people see that I'm right.





But I'm not.





I wish that all of me is in the present.





But I'm not.





Mistake - free I can be.





But I'm not.





I wish I could now be a person that communicates like a normal person.





But I'm not.





I wish that I was a person who doesn't disappoint people.





But I'm not.





I would hope that I was someone you can count on to know what they mean right away.





But I'm not.





I wish I was strong, confident, and powerful enough to get through this.





But I'm not.





I wish I was someone who can to do this on their own.





But I'm not.





I wish I was someone who knows who they are.





But I'm not.





I wish I was completely better.





But I'm not.

But I'm not.

Little Girl

This girl stands in front of you.
Little girl, brown curls,
Tiny arms and legs.
Fully clothed, pink dress,
White tights and bows.

Her face is happy, her smile bright.
She makes you feel like home –
Pure, innocent, and clean.

Her shyness gives you hope
Of good still in the world.
You look at her, this little girl
With pink dress and curls.

He pulls the bows from her hair
Hard as he can,
With it comes her childhood dreams,
Imagination, creativitiy.

Then he rips off her shoes,
Taking her strength and courage yet too.

Next the pink dress is torn,
Straight down her front.
As it tears her eyes learn to cry
And her heart taught how to hurt.

She stands afraid in tights not too long,
For he takes them too.
Raping her of everything
That comes with dignity

Her mouth forms a scream
As her throat escapes “no”.
Forced to lay down
Terror grows as she is told
To lie beneath him here.

Letting himself inside,
Against her every need.
As he comes he takes the rest,
The rest that makes her –
Pure, innocent, and clean

This girl lays in front of you,
Too scared to stand.
Her body so scared it’s as if
She still stapled down
To the same floor as before.